Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
