he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
