I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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