i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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