false alarm. still invincible.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
