just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
