Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
even my farts smell like vagina
time to smoke my breakfast
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize