yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
