i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I touched a dick in church today
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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