just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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