my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
