its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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