Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
