I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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