it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
