You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
