Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
