sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
