Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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