WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
bring money and cleavage
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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