Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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