3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
