There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
