So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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