Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dick very happy bro
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
