You smell like a Billy Joel song
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
