my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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