somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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