i just sent this text using only my big toe
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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