got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
