I will die if light touches me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
