the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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