So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
