woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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