her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
