I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
