Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
