I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
