Your face is a jimmy john
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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