Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
