Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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