who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
