the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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