Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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