I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
