haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
