I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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