By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Someone came in the potted fern
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
