Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
