someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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