I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
