Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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