I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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