I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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