rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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