peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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