dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
