The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
