i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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