Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
