i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
