He uses pillows to masturbate.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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