Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
