1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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