So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
