Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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